Thursday, February 5, 2015

On The Plateau of "it's okay"....

In the aftermath of the 30 Paintings In 30 Days, I continue on my self endurance test of painting 30 paintings in more than 30 days with the stipulation of only painting from life.  As this one here shown is Number 21, I must admit I cropped out the bad silver bowl that looks like droopy diapers with the bad attempt at reflection I put in it.  The uncropped image is on Facebook, so I figured I have license to crop it out here in blogland.

I am feeling tired these days, and tend to make sure to say that in Facebook, my new place of therapy and entertainment.  Well, not really new, I been in there for quite some time now.  But I say "new" because I find I have come through the cobwebs of confusion with it now.  I seem to be able to accept my negative wonderings and turn them quickly into a section of life where I keep " it's okay" conclusions.  It really is okay.  This online aspect of my painting is giving me much to wonder about.  I wonder why people like what I post.  I wonder why they don't.  I wonder why I post.  Does it make  me paint?  Seems to.

Many tell me they wouldn't do what I am doing.  I don't blame them, who needs these dark circles that I have, they be pretty smart I'd say.  But I need to do this.  I know I can paint on my own alright, it's a given I paint, years are running out for me to use up all those supplies up there I have bought.  On a more serious note, I know I do better when I am among others who share in the same agonies and ecstasies.  I have enough work-out weapons in this house to give a good exercise work-out, but I must go to Jazzercise to feel like I really am doing it right, and enjoy doing just that with others there.  I sing in a choral group (sounds better than choir) where I know I can probably sing along at home without the demand of work to get it right.  But.... I go there to learn how to do it properly, and enjoy singing with all those other wonderful voices.  There is no comparison, singing with others is what makes it so important.

So now, I have learned this "group sharing" aspect of social media as a motivator for me.  It's my life, all of this stuff, typing here in blind thought ramblings, painting while I force myself to sing like Minnie Mouse so I can hit those super high notes, which are coming better and better.  It's an all encompassing thing that keeps me on top of life.  And now, I see where my self endurance test to only paint "from life" fits into this life puzzle.  I haven't exactly been the most well balanced person.  I could blame that on various things, my own depths of dissatisfaction with myself were often my own doing.  I don't for one second think I am much different than other people who are trying their best to be happy.  Happy... oh, the never ending quest for happy.

Every experience in life seems to fall into the black of bad, or the yellow of happy.  I have to say, I mostly see yellow, some black patches here and there.  I know why I see more grey areas now, the areas of 'it's okay",  I also know that's what saves a painting, the grey areas. Nothing in life that we choose to do is a guarantee of happy.  But understanding the safety nets, when we are able to accept the greys will save us from falling TOO hard, is a wonderful thing.  Some of my paintings will look like I am striving, and that's okay.  Some of the sounds coming out when I venture to sing may sound uncertain, and that's okay, there are more certain ones each week.  Some times a visit online will create insecurities, and that's okay, walk away, and before I know it, I have forgotten why I felt that way.  It really is okay. Because in the giant life picture, I see nothing but sunshine yellow, and that's always a good thing.

Onto Number 22.....

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