Saturday, December 23, 2017
It is December 23rd, 2017. The house is quiet, for how long I am uncertain. Externally quiet that is, inside my ear canals ring melodies of song I just performed two days ago. My lingering thoughts dwell on memories from days ago, to years ago. I am blessed to have my vivid memory collections, and sometimes I wonder if it's a curse. Would not life be much easier if we only recalled for one day, and just kept moving on from there? No, Mary Ann, that would be disastrous, in fact, that's a horrendous disease no one wishes on anyone. Oh right.
The social media threads are flooded with good wishes. While I was upstairs in between what-to-do things, I glanced down into an empty box that was filled with decorations only month ago. It waits for the return of their tenants in January, hopefully January, some days I wonder if it might be by August this year, one never knows how things might go. Anyways, in the bottom of this empty box lay an old greeting card cover, the side that held the names of whoever sent it many years ago had been cut off. I suspect my mom used the cover greeting part for a decoration, it came out of the box that her wreath was in. I think about my mom so much right now. We talk about her all the time, quote her, return to so many scenarios we recall vividly. I even say out loud when I am alone.. okay, okay, Mom... I'm sorry. I am sorry for so many things. I'm sorry I wasn't more patient when I could have been. I'm sorry I didn't do more. This isn't to say in all logic understanding, I did do so much with, and for, Mom that I shouldn't feel any guilt or need to feel sorry. But still, I think about how much I miss her, and wish I could have done more.
And there lies this message in the bottom of the empty box that Mom kept in the downstairs dresser drawer. I know now, that what I am feeling is peace. It is a battle to find that thing we refer to as peace. Looking back, I had no idea of the why's. I think of decades where so many changes happened, difficulties and tragedies, life deals whatever it feels like without warning. Christmases come every year to remind us of the beauty, the thrills, the magic, and unfortunately the battles. Sadly, I know all humanity wants peace, but truly doesn't know how to find it, how to reap it's rewards. It's only taken me 64 years to figure this out. I am feeling the sadness in all kinds of forms, and this is to tell me why they happened, it was for love.
I'm not sure if I can say I am stronger. But I do know I am more resilient. As long as God keeps my health in good shape, I do believe I can do anything where love is involved. I know that. What a gift that is to understand that kind of faith in oneself. I admit, I didn't know that 10 years ago. Life continues to provide us with life changing challenges. We, my family, face them full on, with strength and good humour. We, unknowingly it seems, hold each other up, and keep going, feeling blessed for just being who we are to each other.
This is what Peace is. Mom's card told me today, there is Peace on Earth. She left a legacy of good memories, sad ones, too. I speak out loud my admiration for her strength, her courage, her everlasting ability to make me laugh inside out tears that made me gasp for air. I believe she has forgiven me when I say I am sorry, but I suspect I'll keep saying it, mostly to remind myself how much I loved her.
I wish Peace on Earth to all. Whatever it is everyone celebrates at this time of year, may you enjoy the peace in understanding love, and all the blessings that brings to you.
Here's to 2018!!